By now COEXISTENCE Digital, you (or “your friends”) have undoubtedly figured out that the correct answer to this riddle is: “Who’s asking?” Chances are, you’ve flawlessly executed countless equally-convincing (and equally- contradictory) responses to this age-old question, annoyingly posed to you now by your shameless Eastern Orthodox in-laws or local imam, the hot girl you met at last week’s concert, the FOBs new to town, or that stuffy college nemesis incessantly trying to prove that you’re an oppressed, closed-minded Middle Easterner. But why such mixed responses for such a personal decision? And what is the right decision these days? Is preserving your ‘honor’ linked to preserving your culture, and do you have a right to keep your sexual activity (or lack thereof) private from prying eyes--even those of the family? Read on and get a clue on what’s best for you by finding out who’s doing what, why, and how in today’s ME community

Spotlight on HRS: HONOR SAVER or HIGH-TECH FOR HOE
WHAT:HRS, or Hymen-Reconstructive Surgery [aka. Hymen-Restoration, Hymenorrhaphy, Hymenoplasty], is a reconstructive procedure reputed to efface all trace of hymen rupture due to sexual intercourse, sports, tampons, and natural physical activity. The procedure is also given to women with who have "elastic" hymens, who would not otherwise bleed during the first sexual penetration	WHY: To give the illusion of “virginity” according to traditional, unscientific definitions that require bleeding on the nuptial night. Contrary to archaic understandings of female anatomy, many women do not bleed during first sexual experience; yet this blood continues to be of great cultural significance in many Middle Eastern communities.
HOW: 2-hour outpatient surgery with local anesthesia; most women return to work the next day	WHO:HRS is a growing trend amongst the wealthy and sexually-active Middle Eastern elite of Europe, before returning to origin nations for marriage. It is also done on virgins with “elastic” hymens who will fail the nuptial “virginity inspection.”
OF INTEREST: Alv Gomaa, the Grand Mufti of Egypt, condoned Soad Saleh’s (Al-Azhar) controversial fatwa, deeming HRS for women who lost their virginity before marriage as halal (religiously permissible). Sheikh Khaled El Gindy, an Al-Azhar scholar and member of the Higher Council of Islamic Studies, told The Daily Star Egypt that he agrees with the new fatwa: "Islam never differentiates between men and women, so it is not rational for us to think that God has placed a sign to indicate the virginity of women without having a similar sign to indicate the virginity of men… Any man who is concerned about his prospective wife’s hymen should first provide a proof that he himself is virgin," he added. Nevertheless, psychological and physical abuse continues to threaten the well-being of many Middle Eastern women across the globe. The consequences of those suspected of premarital sex or unsupervised consorting with men range from disownment to the disfiguring “acid throws” and fatal “honor-killings.”

When asking yourself whether you should have, or reveal that you’ve already had, sex, remember the magic words you learned in health class: SAFETY FIRST! For most MEs, this means thinking of your Location, Religion, and Gender.


TO KISS: Are you in a safe space, with a safe person, where you will have a pleasurable experience in a stress-free environment, free from interruption? Creating a peaceful, relaxing ambience with the right partner will help to relieve anxieties for the activity and to ensure that it is a memorable experience for all the right reasons.

OR TELL: Do you live in an area where your behavior is the social norm and is acceptable? If not, be very careful when talking about your personal life. As with sex, make sure the person you are about to open up to will receive you well and be supportive (whether you’re a virgin or not). Trust your gut: anyone you don’t already feel comfortable talking to about other private issues in your life is probably not the best person to talk to, even if that means your parents or siblings. If you feel the need to talk to someone, but don’t know anybody off the top of your head, contact your local society for mental and sexual health, such as university clinics or community centers for women and homosexuals.


TO KISS: Keeping your intimate activity in accordance with your religious or spiritual beliefs will help to prevent feelings of remorse or guilt. Sometimes, this means exploring alternative branches of your religious organization. Don’t panic: there are organized sects of every religion condoning various intimate activities (from celibacy to homosexuality).

OR TELL: Look to your religious institution to know your personal guidelines and what constitutes good or bad actions before approaching anyone. In some practices (Tantra), intimacy is actually a path to the divine. After evaluating your religions/spiritual beliefs, confess or make amends if you feel you’ve committed a sin. Keep in mind, however, that ultimately what you do is nobody’s business but your own, and the only person you need to answer to is yourself and your Maker. If you don’t feel comfortable revealing your actions to a priest or rabbi, reveal it to the Divine yourself.


TO KISS: There are certainly different impulses and inhibitors to sexual activity for women and men. Make sure that your decision, while keeping these social norms in mind, is not driven by them. Do what feels right at your core, not what society pushes you do to. You only have one life to live, and “society” will not be there to pick up the pieces for you if you make a mistake.

OR TELL: If you are concerned about making a reputation for yourself, be aware of the social standards expected of you as a man or woman. Though it is easy to fit in with the “right” answers, the “right path” of honesty, though certainly not always the easiest, has its reward. Learning to accept yourself for who you are and sharing that person with others can be wonderfully fulfilling--you’ll have real friends who like you for who you are. One easy way to do this is to make sure that the people you “share” yourself with can appreciate (even if they differ from) your views on gender roles. Traditionally, men are rewarded for having many sexual exploits and women for only a few (though, obviously, that math doesn’t add up). If “tradition” isn’t you, own it! Don’t confide in people who will try to make you feel bad for having different opinions. You have a right to think and act differently, to be modern, equal, and respected.

YOU SAID IT! BE CAREFUL! “I was seduced by an older Armenian and after lots of pressure and claims of “blue balls” I finally agreed to do it…but it was short and bad. When I asked him if sex was only 1 min., he yelled at me and said I was not a virgin, and caused problems in my community.” JOB WELL DONE! “Middle Eastern guys are large and in charge, and know how to work it. Plus they love a woman’s curves, so I always feel more comfortable with them.” TO BE BLUNT “When Middle Eastern girls are in the West, there’s really no difference between them and the rest of the world. They’re free to do whatever they want, and I like it when they do.” IS HE SPEAKING ENGLISH? “Sleeping with a virgin is a sin. But anything else is a good time.” GOOD BOY! “As a successful 30 year old producer, a lot of people would be shocked if they ever knew I was a virgin. I have a reputation as ‘the ladies man,’ and always have actresses approaching me with ‘favors’ in order to advance they’re careers. I value my faith and I know that it is about finding the right person. When God chooses her for me, married or unmarried, that will be the right time.” NEVER SAY NEVER “I would never date a guy that was a virgin--it’s too much pressure. Plus it’s important that the guy knows what he’s doing. And I have yet to meet a Middle Eastern guy that is a virgin.” FIRST THINGS FIRST “My honor is a gift that I will only share with one person in this lifetime. That doesn’t mean I don’t date. Actually, it’s just the opposite! I’ve got to make sure I find the right one to give it to!” GIRL POWER “Most of my girls are not ME, and it doesn’t matter that I’m a virgin. Sometimes I miss being able to joke about the things they do, but often I’m relieved to not have the bad experiences and tease them about it!” STRAIGHT UP… “Society creates such fake ideas when it comes to sex. In Hollywood, a girl is either on a bed of roses or acting like a whore. But in the Real World, it’s so much different--we can be both! I love being able to do what I want whenever I choose, depending on my mood. It’s not about being good or bad, it’s about being true to yourself, and surrounding yourself with people who appreciate that.” CULTURE CLASH “A girl who loses her values just because she changed countries cannot last for a lifetime. If she was born here and she is from a good family, they will have instilled the culture in her. I will date American girls, but I expect my wife to be a virgin.” THE V WORD: VALUES “Virginity is a state of mind. Many people have oral or anal sex and then claim they are still virgins, based on stupid technicalities. To me virgin means pure of heart, pure of mind, not what body part gets put where. I have been with enough women to know that being a virgin doesn’t mean you’re pure. Just look at how many girls will kiss multiple men in one night when they’re drunk. I’d pick a girl who values her body, herself, and who she’s intimate with, over a whore of a “virgin” any day.”

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