When Charles Darwin was describing natural selection, his theory was pertaining to the evolution of the genetic makeup of beings over time that would potentially bring the greatest survival benefit to the species. This idea of “survival of the fittest” can also be applied to understanding why certain people behave the way they do. With respect to dating, there has been a lot of change going on in the world.

There was a day when men had the upper hand and could do what they wanted with whoever they wanted and it was not taboo, while in contrast, women that sought marriage and future children were for the most part encouraged to “be good” and eagerly wait for a suitor. Once birth control pills became available, women had more sexual freedom and the playing ground became a little bit more even. Then in the 1980's, the discovery of the HIV virus and the AIDS epidemic scared many and slowed things down a bit.

The dating scene today, however, is an example of progressive change for the worse. People today are more ambitious, motivated, etc, but at the same time, they are also more selfish, deceptive, and materialistic. With internet and cell phones, exchanging phone numbers and communicating with a potential partner are not difficult tasks to achieve, but most of that communication is empty as people hide behind the facades that they create. Instead of being truthful, men and women say to each other what they think the other person wants to hear, but never really are 100% honest with one another.

The truth is, most men and women today feel that they have a lot to lose; therefore, they offer very little information of substance about themselves yet hope to gain as much intel as possible on the other person. Unfortunately, such circumstances can lead to much hurt, deception, false expectations, and little reward.

Both young men and women have been hurt by such acts where one person becomes interested in another whom they later find out was also pulling the same routine with two other people and is still sort of involved in another relationship. These scenarios separate those that can “play the game” from those who cannot.

Speaking of “the game,” many of us have heard stories about the masters of modern day dating deception – Middle Eastern Women. Their acts are probably the result of defense mechanisms that evolved from cruel lies and deceit performed upon them by Middle Eastern Men. The stories are amazing when one hears them, but it really hits home when someone you know gets hurt by such situations, making that person and everyone around him or her lose faith in a fairy tale love story.

One of our friends, Jamshid, went to his best friend’s wedding hoping to meet a girl of the same culture and background. Jamshid is about to finish his training in Cardiology at a top ten program in the U.S. His father was a prominent doctor back in their home country and his older brother is a successful orthopedic surgeon. Jamshid has a good heart, he’s good looking, he has a good family, and he has a bright future.

Interestingly, the wedding was a blast and Jamshid met a girl of virtually identical cultural and socioeconomic status that seemed interested in him too named Roxy. Roxy speaks 4 languages, is college educated, is currently getting a PhD, and also comes from a prominent family. Her father was also a prominent doctor back in their home country and they live in Beverly Hills. Not only did this look like a great potential match on paper, but Jamshid’s parents seemed to be getting along with Roxy’s relatives as they were eating dinner together!

Even though Jamshid lives in the East Coast, he and Roxy exchanged phone numbers and decided to keep in touch. In fact they talked every day. They found that they have lots of things in common. Jamshid was impressed that Roxy appears close to her family too and seems like a very nice, motivated, caring, and family-oriented girl. She too appeared interested in Jamshid as she continued to call him even when Roxy and her family were vacationing in France.

Believing that actions speak louder than words, Jamshid was convinced that this girl was worth pursuing and getting to know better. Knowing that it would be awkward for a nice girl like Roxy to fly to the East Coast to see him for the first time, Jamshid rearranged his call schedule at the hospital and vacation schedule, and spent the time and money to fly to Los Angeles to see Roxy for a weekend. She was very excited and wanted Jamshid to also meet her mom and dad, uncles, cousins, etc. Jamshid bought gifts for the family so as not to embarrass himself or his family name upon encountering Roxy’s family for the first time.

Roxy picked up Jamshid from the airport and they laughed in the car and ate lunch, and had a great time on the Friday afternoon when Jamshid arrived. However, during the car ride, Roxy’s cell phone kept ringing and she kept talking to a guy who was persistently calling. Jamshid did not make a big deal out of it because he is not the jealous type and is not overly possessive. In fact he gave Roxy the benefit of the doubt; after all, she had been talking to him every day on the phone for the last month.

After a little while, Roxy told Jamshid that if it is ok with him, maybe they could go to dinner with a group of her friends at a hot spot in Hollywood that night. Jamshid thought that was a great idea as maybe being around a group of people would be more comfortable for her.

At the restaurant, Jamshid noticed that there were 4 guys and 3 girls. Roxy was sitting between Jamshid and another guy whom she talked to virtually the whole night during dinner. Although Jamshid felt ignored, he did not make a big deal about it.

After dinner, the group decided to go to a club. First went in the guy that Roxy was sitting next to, then Roxy, and then when Jamshid walked in, he saw Roxy and the guy that went in before her having a heated conversation. Jamshid walked up and she turned to Jamshid and said “I am sorry, there is a lot I have to tell you, I’ll be back.”

For over two hours Jamshid was by himself feeling hurt and cheated as he spent all this time and money to see a girl who ditched him for another guy and her group of friends. Later that night, Jamshid learned that Roxy had been engaged until about two weeks prior to his arrival (meaning that she was engaged when they met) but that she and her “ex” were still talking.

Although Jamshid was hurt, he tried to make the best of the situation. In fact, it looked to him like Roxy was uncomfortable with the other guy.

Jamshid asked her if she wanted to leave and she said no. He told her that she did not have to stay there and they could both leave and still have the enjoyable weekend that they had both planned and talked about. Roxy told him that she could not drive as she had drank too much alcohol that night. Jamshid offered to get the two of them a cab, but she still refused. Jamshid called one of his friends who picked him up where they proceeded to Westwood to get a bite to eat.

As Jamshid and his friend were walking around, they saw Roxy at a hookah bar smoking hookah with the “other guy.” The next day when Jamshid was supposed to meet her family, Roxy never called him. Jamshid was so confused. This girl seemed so nice, yet she lied to him about being engaged and treated him worse than he had ever been treated in his life.

He thought about how a girl who seemed so nice and came from such a nice family could convince a guy to fly across the country just to ditch him at a club with another guy. Jamshid also thought that if Roxy really was a nice girl, she wouldn’t have been the type to get drunk, go to a club, and smoke hookah on the first night that she met a guy. On top of that, Jamshid felt that his time and money was wasted flying to LA, rearranging his schedule, and buying her family gifts.

In the end, so much heartache, money, and embarrassment could have been saved if Roxy would have just been honest with Jamshid from the beginning. They could have at least been friends and kept in touch and who knows what the future would have had in store for them – maybe a friendship, maybe more. Maybe they could have met more friends through each other. That we will never know. The moral of the story is that “the game” is getting stupid and the long term rewards of being real and being honest are worth the risk of potentially getting hurt if in the end what you are really looking for is love. If not, “the game” is perfect for those seeking a meaningless and empty life entertained through superficial means.